ît’s raining and I’m sitting on my balcony and probably I will have to go inside soon because it rains on my laptop and well, that’s not that good… but I simply love summer rain. it simply makes ma amazingly happy to feel this soft warm rain on my things and arms and how I’m slowly getting wet and how the sun still shines, though… it feels so perfect right now. I guess I’m putting my laptop inside now and continue to enjoy the rain then :)
ich glaube nicht, dass man sich an andere verlieren kann. man kann sich vielleicht mehr in sich selbst verlieren.
da ich grade nicht richtig weiß, wie ich erklären soll, was ich meine, weil es dafür irgendwie nicht die richtigen worte gibt, warte einen moment, ich zeichne es dir.
Helena Bonham Carter (via qoldlush)
this is really powerful. wow.
Why do you put your self esteem in the hands of complete strangers?
The statement, “you’re so smart” feels pretty empty to me.
I’ve spent my whole life listening to people telling me I’m smart and talented without really understanding what that meant. I kind of feel a need to be constantly reassured that yes, I’m smart, I’m not normal, I’m unique.
Ugh. I’m still amazingly lovesick and I hope it gets easier soon. I haven’t texted M. since wednesday a week ago and I guess I will text him during the next few days and see whether he’d like to see me before I move out. I rationally know that seeing him might be a pretty bad idea because I fear it will bring up all emotions again, but on the other hand I don’t want to leave Frankfurt without seeing him at least once more and maybe somehow sorting my mind on how the relationship between us could continue.
I’m simply glad I have so many amazing friends. One friend of mine told me honestly that she thinks it’s a bad idea to meet him again that soon, because it would probably hurt even more (I told her quite a lot about how low I am feeling now quite often because of this whole thing). She doesn’t want me to feel so bad again and be in such a bad mood, but she told me she won’t try to convince me not to meet him, because it’s my decision and I’ve decided it and so she will help me to get over the hurt and the consequences afterwards. I think this is a pretty big deal, to have somebody who is so absolutely supportive (even though she fully knows I shouldn’t be doing this…) and I’m so glad that I have her.
Another friend calmed me down earlier this night and told me simply that it all would work out somehow. That if I wanted to meet him and make things clear, I should do this. And, most importantly, she asked me whether I maybe was reacting somewhat over-emotional because I am tired and my hormones are going crazy (that’s probably the thing I hate most about being on my period. I mean, cramps are bad but being whiny is a looot worse)… and told me that I shouldn’t overthink and simply sleep for one night and maybe it’s already better tomorrow morning.
ich bin die, die keine gefahren mehr scheut, grenzen zeichnet um darüber zu treten, unter der dusche zu schräg singt und im regen tanzt, die sich in worten findet und verliert. ich bin die mit den sommersprossen und den strahlenden augen, die menschen gerne an die hand nimmt und die fällt und fällt und beine hat, die das aufstehen schon gelernt haben.
ich bin kein glas mehr, keine kalte, glatte oberfläche, ich bin rau, denn reibung erzeugt wärme und ich will, ich will unbedingt wieder wärme spüren, wärme und wind auf meiner haut und mein eigenes lachen, wie es in meiner kehle vibriert und seine eigene melodie findet, ich will ihr folgen.
I always hear “It’s okay not to be okay” and for a while I needed to hear that, but there was something else I needed to hear but didn’t realize until today. I was struggling with guilt about moving on and leaving the past behind and healing myself.
My therapist said this:
“It’s okay to be okay. It is okay to move on. It is okay to heal. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to be alright. You are not deserting anyone. You are not abandoning the people still in the dark place. You are taking care of yourself and there is NOTHING wrong with that.”